Christmas is coming up and what better way to spend the days leading up than watching terrible Christmas movies? Here’s Manspace’s top 10 best of the worst. Merry Christmas!
10. Jack Frost (1997)
Before anything else, this is referring to the 1997 Christmas horror film and not the horrific 1998 film that starred Michael Keaton. This movie takes place in the fictional town of Snowmonton, where (on the week before Christmas) a truck carrying serial killer Jack Frost to his execution crashes into a genetics truck. The genetic material causes Jack’s body to mutate and fuse together with the snow on the ground. Jack is presumed dead and his body melts away; however, he comes back as a killer snowman and takes revenge on the man who finally caught him, Sheriff Sam Tiler. Such is the cult following of this film that a sequel was released in 2000. The highlight of the film, though, is if you keep an eye out you will see a young Shannon Elizabeth in her first ever film role.
9. Santa and the Ice-Cream Bunny (1972)
We don’t really know what this one is about, despite watching the video below – perhaps you can explain it to us? If you haven’t seen the movie, basically Santa’s sleigh lands in Florida and he calls out to children to help. One of the kids brings a dog that summons a bunny in a firetruck that saves Santa. Easy, right?
8. Santa Claus Conquers the Martians (1964)
It’s an age-old tale, really… Martian children refuse to do their chores so in order to punish them, the King of Mars abducts two kids from Earth to help him distinguish the real Santa from the plethora of fakes ones. Don’t think that sentence makes sense? Try watching the movie. The acting is pretty horrendous but the movie is quite endearing, I suppose.
7. Deck the Halls (2006)
You know how sometimes you get into war with a neighbour that seems trivial to outsiders and only you understand how important it actually is to destroy them on all fronts? Matthew Broderick does. Interestingly (for lack of a better word), Kristin Davis actually asked Matthew Broderick’s wife – her co-star on Sex and the City, Sarah Jessica Parker – if she was allowed to be cast as his wife in the movie. Also, during filming Broderick was often seen shaking his head in disbelief and overheard saying ‘I’ve hit rock bottom’. Enjoy!
6. Black Christmas (1974) & Black Christmas (2006)
If you’re into psychological slasher movies, Black Christmas – from the director of Porky’s, Bob Clark – is a surprisingly good film. Starring Margot Kidder (i.e. Lois Lane from the Christopher Reeve Superman movies), this 1974 classic follows a group of sorority sisters who are receiving threatening phone calls, while being stalked and murdered during the holiday season by a deranged murderer hiding in the attic of their sorority house. Awkwardly, in 2006 the film was remade with a group of Canada’s leading young actresses – Katie Cassidy (Arrow), Michelle Trachtenberg (Buffy, The Vampire Slayer) and Lacey Chabert (Party of Five), among others. The result? Not great. So don’t get confused; original: good! Remake: bad.
5. Silent Night, Deadly Night (1984)
In 1984, a small, B-grade slasher film was released to not much fanfare. But then people saw the film and the outrage machine kicked into high gear. The story concerns a young man, Billy, who suffers from PTSD after witnessing his parents’ Christmas Eve murder and his subsequent upbringing in an abusive Catholic orphanage. In adulthood, the Christmas holiday leads him into a psychological breakdown and he emerges as a spree killer donning a Santa suit. In total, there were five Silent Night films as well as a quickly forgotten remake in 2012. Part two is perhaps the most interesting as the majority of it is re-used footage from the first movie. The writers were told to cut costs… so they did. Brilliant stuff.
4. Jingle All The Way (1996)
Isn’t it always glorious to watch actors like Arnold Schwarzenegger try to play the all-American dad figure? He’s just a good ol’ country boy doing his thing. The plot of Jingle All The Way focuses on two rival fathers, workaholic Howard Langston (Schwarzenegger) and stressed out postal worker Myron Larabee (Sinbad), both desperately trying to get a Turbo-Man action figure for their respective sons on a last minute shopping spree on Christmas Eve. The Terminator star made a meal of this one but the saving grace was Sinbad’s improvisational skills. Not necessarily because they were good, but because they inspired Arnie to do it too. It’s pretty entertaining (in the same way Sharknado was).
3. Star Wars Holiday Special (1978)
The new Star Wars has been released! Nerdy fan boys and people-who-want-to-relive-their-youths are delighted. And yet, they all forget (or at least want to forget) this gem. It’s even available in its entirety on YouTube. No words.
2. Santa’s Slay (2005)
High on the success of Lost, Emilie de Ravin stars in this Christmas caper that explores the true identity of Santa – i.e. the son of Satan. The plot? In the year 1005, Santa loses a curling match and is condemned to delivering presents for 1,000 years. So, when the year 2005 comes around, he’s allowed to start killing people again. Santa, played by an ex-pro wrestler, manages to even kill a Jewish guy with a menorah. Saul Rubinek, Fran Drescher and James Caan all have cameos in this cinematic masterpiece that ManSpace editor, Paul Skelton, watches every Christmas Eve (that’s not a joke, either).
1.Saving Christmas (2014)
Remember Kirk Cameron? He was the kid who played Mike Seaver on Growing Pains. It turns out that Kirk is all about Jesus and in 2014, released a movie where he (playing a fictional version of himself) went on a mission to help his brother, Christian, put the ‘Christ’ back into Christmas! Of course, it feels like this exact movie has been made dozens and dozens of times before, so why do we think it deserves to be number one? Well, Kirk couldn’t deal with the fact that his film received some negative responses so he asked the internet to rally in his name. It backfired spectacularly and because the internet is brutal, it is now the lowest rated movie on IMDB and holds a whopping 0% on Rotten Tomatoes. It even got sass from The Christian Post, an Evangelical Christian newspaper. Merry Christmas, Kirk!
Honourable mentions:
Fred Claus (2007)
Vince Vaughn struggles with Christmas movies and this writer feels for the guy, because I really don’t mind him. He eventually saves Christmas which is a nice touch, I suppose. The funniest thing about this movie is that Vince is about 6″5 and has to work with elves; entertaining viewing!
Christmas with the Kranks (2004)
Tim Allen and Jamie Lee Curtis essentially act out the feelings a lot of people have around Christmas time; they just want to get away from it all. Honestly, what we got from this movie is people need to mind their own goddamn business when it comes to what people do for Christmas!
